Category Archives: WhatsApp Jokes

10Dec/16

Trump’s first day at the Oval Office

Lengthy but Humorous one

#Shared

Trump’s first day at the Oval Office after being elected President.

First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:

Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.

CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.

Trump: The Democrats created them.

CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby.

Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.

CIA: We can’t do that.

Trump: Why is that?

CIA: India will cut Balochistan out of Pak.

Trump: I don’t care.

CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons. They will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy in Kashmir.

Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.

CIA: Sir, we can’t do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes.

Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us start with the Saudis.

Pentagon: Sir, we can’t do that. We created those regimes because we wanted their oil. We can’t have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that oil – and we cannot let their people own it.

Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.

Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir.

Trump: Why not?

CIA: We are talking to them, sir.

Trump: What? Why?

CIA: We want our Stealth Drones back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel in check.

Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.

CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.

Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?

CIA: We need the Shi’ite govt of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.

Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.

FBI: We can’t do that.

Trump: Why not?

FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.

Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.

Border patrol: You can’t do that, sir.

Trump: Why not?

Border patrol: If they’re gone, who will build the wall?

Trump: I am banning H1B visas.

USCIS: You cannot do that.

Trump: Why?

Chief of Staff: If you do so, we’ll have to outsource White House operations to Bangalore. Which is in India.

Trump (sweating profusely by now): What the hell should I do as President???

CIA: Enjoy the White House, sir! We will take care of the rest!
😂😂

10Dec/16

Hilarious HR Interview

Hilarious HR Interview indeed :

Interviewers ask routine questions to candidates ….Some weird answers….

Q – Tell us about yourself ?
A – Yourself is pronoun used when the subject and object of the verb are you.

Q – What are your expectations ?
A – Salary.

Q – What challenges you faced in your earlier job ?
A – Staying awake after lunch !!

Q – Why do you want to join our company ?
A – Nobody else is taking me. Your company is closer to my home….

Q – What attracts you to our company ?
A – The receptionist !!

Q – Why you left your previous job ?
A – Previous company shifted office and they didn’t inform me new address !!

Q -Are you willing to travel 20 days in a month ?
A – Yes…but just don’t ask me where I had gone…!!

10Dec/16

Modi vs Rahul

Rahul: I want to become PM
Modi: If you want to become PM then answer my question
Rahul: Ok, ask
Modi: There were 11 bananas kept in front of an elephant but it ate only 10
and left one, why?
Rahul: Maybe it was contented
Modi: No, that one was of plastic.
Rahul:
Modi:Ok, once again, there were 11 bananas but elephant did not eat any, why?
Rahul: Oh, yes. All 11 were of plastic ?
Modi: No, the elephant was of plastic.
Rahul:
Modi: Ok, this time Elephant, banana all were real, and still elephant did not eat any,why?
Rahul: This time elephant may not have been hungry.
Modi: No…the bananas were in the TV
Rahul: ☹
Modi: Now,elephant,bananas were all real and all on TV, but elephant is still not eating, why?
Rahul: I don’t know
Modi: Because they were on different channels!
Rahul:
Modi: Well last time. This time elephant,bananas were real, both on TV and on same channel,still elephant was not eating the bananas, WHY?
Rahul: You yourself answer
Modi: Because TV was not on
Rahul: Mummeeeeee…..

10Dec/16

Satirical rules by profession

Cicero of the Ancient Roman Empire wrote about this situation during his lifetime:

1. The Poor – work & work.
2. The Rich – exploit the poor.
3. The Soldier – protects both.
4. The Taxpayer – pays for all three.
5. The Wanderer – rests for all four.
6. The Drunk – drinks for all five.
7. The Banker – robs all six.
8. The Lawyer – misleads all seven.
9. The Doctor – bills all eight.
10. The Undertaker – buries all nine.
11. The Politician – lives happily on account of all ten.

Written in 43 B.C., but valid even today.

10Dec/16

words and figures don’t match, payment will be declined

Men will be men😜😜😜
😝😝😝😝
Banking rules-

It was five in the evening, the bank was almost closed.

All of a sudden, the Branch Manager received a phone call from a lady.

In a sweet voice she said – sir I urgently need Rs.10,000. I’ll reach your bank in 10 minutes. Could you please wait for me?

Her voice was so captivating that the Branch Manager could not say no.

He instructed his cashier to keep the cash ready. The cashier obeyed his boss with great reluctance .

After a while, a lady with ugliest of face a huge tummy and a very uncommon figure came to the bank, presented a cheque to the BM and asked for the money.

The BM was taken aback, as he was expecting a cute lady.

He immediately told the lady that they had already closed the cash for the day and she should come next day.

The cashier was so furious and he asked the BM, if his intention was not to pay, why he was made to sit late.

BM -I wanted to help her. But its the Universal rule of banking that….
.
.
.

If “words and figures don’t match, payment will be declined”. 😜😜😜

10Dec/16

satire on politicians

👇Read this very interesting☺

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘Thank You’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a grocer comes in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you , I’m doing community service this week.

The grocer was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘Thank You’ card and a bag of fresh vegetables waiting for him at his door.

Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.

The politician was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up,
there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

If you don’t forward this, someone will miss a good laugh.

😃😃😂😝😜

10Dec/16

whose brain costs more !

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in and said “I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news; the only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain Transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the Brain yourselves.”

One of the family members asked “how much does a brain cost?”

The doctor quickly responded, “Rs. 50,000 for a male brain, and
Rs. 200 for a Female brain.”

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more?”

The doctor smiled and said “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the Price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used…. the male brains are hardly ever used by the owners. So they are as good as new!”

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!!!

🍻 Cheers to all the Ladies! 😜😝😛😂

👍👍 Gals rock!! 💃💃

10Dec/16

Whatsapp Jokes 1

 

1. ఎప్పుడు మగవాడు పగల బడి నవ్వుతాడో ….
పక్కన ఆడి పెళ్ళాం లేదని అర్ధం ….
=================
2. వ్యక్త పరచని ప్రేమ అనేది పేకాట లాంటిది
లైఫ్ జోకరు పడింది అని సంతోషించేలోపే పక్కోడికి డీల్ షొ పడిపోతుంది…

3. మనిషి, ఆశ అనే పెనంమీద దోశలేస్తూ ఉంటాడు.
ఒక్క దోశ మాడిందని,
పిండి పారేసు కుంటాడా లేక పెనం పగల గొడతాడా..?
రెండూ చెయ్యడు….
పెనం బాగా తుడిచి మళ్ళీ వేస్తాడు…….
అపజయాలు మాడిన దోశ లాంటివి….
⚽⚽⚽⚽⚽⚽⚽
4. అతిగా అవేశ పడిన అమ్మాయి …
అల్లుళ్ళని ఆడి పోసుకున్న మామ బాగుపడ్డట్టు చరిత్రలో లేదు…

5. ప్రియురాలు పువ్వులాంటిది కొట్టినా పెద్ద దెబ్బ తగలదు …….
పెళ్ళాం పెంకు లాంటిది కొడితె బొక్కడిపొద్ది….

6. పరుల సొమ్ము ఫినాయిల్ లాంటిది చూడటానికి తెల్లగా ఉన్నా తాగితే పోతాం ………

7. బుర్ర లేనోడితో వాదించటం అంటే ….
ఫ్రెష్ గా తడిసి వచ్చిన బురద పంది తో బాక్సింగ్ లాంటిది
తెగించి దిగితే గెలుస్తావ్ మనకెందుకొచ్చిన బురదలే అనుకుంటే ఓడిపొతావ్……

8. ఒక సిగరెట్ మరో రెండు సిగరెట్ లని వెలిగించక పోతే అది ఎంత కాస్ట్లీ సిగరెట్టు అయినా గొప్ప సిగరెట్ అవ్వలేదు ….
ఒక యదవ మరో ఇద్దరు యదవలని తయారు చెయ్యక పోతే వాడు ఎంత పెద్ద యదవ అయినా గొప్ప యదవ కాలేడు …….

9. కాలం గేలం వేస్తే సముద్రం లోని ఫిష్ కూడా స్టార్ హోటల్ లో డిష్ అవుతుంది….

10. ఏడుపులు పలు రకాలు ….
మనం బాగు పడటం లేదు అని ఏడ్చేవాళ్ళు…..
ఎప్పుడు బాగుపడతాం అని ఏడ్చేవాళ్ళు….
పక్కనోడు బాగు పడితే ఏడ్చేవాళ్ళు….
పక్కనోడు ఎక్కడ బాగుపడతాడో అని ఏడ్చేవాళ్ళు….
మొదటి ఇద్దరిది ఆశ
మిగతా ఇద్దరిది అత్యాశ…. మనిషికి ఆశ ఉండాలి గాని అత్యాశ ఉండకూడదు ….
(సరదాగా కాసేపు నవ్వుకోటానికి అంతే)
భర్తకి బ్రహ్మచారి కి తేడా ???
ఎప్పుడు పడితే అప్పుడు తినేవాడు బ్రహ్మచారి..
ఎప్పుడు పెడితే అప్పుడు తినేవాడు భర్త….

================
నవ్వండి.నవ్వించండి. నలుగురికీ మీ నవ్వును పంచండి.
నవ్వితే హ్యాపీ, నవ్వకపోతే బీపీ, నవ్వనివాడు పాపి…
నవ్వడం ఒక భోగం. నవ్వించడం ఒక యోగం. నవ్వలేక పోవడం ఒక రోగం.

04Dec/16

and she is

If a woman listens to u in less than 5 minutes then she is ur mom.

If a woman listens to u in 15 minutes then she is ur sister.

If a woman listens to u in 30 minutes then she is ur daughter.
And ultimately

If a woman pretends to listen to u all the time but does not remember a word of what u said no matter how important, then she is….???????
..
..

..
..
Yes , Yes….

You are correct!!!!!!
😆
….
.
.
SHE IS DEAF

Why to bring wife into everything 😡😡😜